"Will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone and wonder who we were? How bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved.”
If you and I are similar in any way, it would be that we both stay up late and often fall into the inevitable trap of thinking about how inferior we are in this universe. How little space we take up. How little noise we make. How little effect we have on our planet, or even more terrifyingly on our universe. That we are merely specks of dust in our galaxy, after all we are living on a floating rock so how grounded can we be? I grow restless at nights thinking about it and eventually mentally exhaust myself because I’m trying to battle mortality. Spoiler alert: mortality always wins.
For most of my life, I regarded mortality as a curse, something that we are forcibly punished with. To live such a comparatively short and incomplete life in a universe that has been existing for longer than my mind can comprehend, almost seems unfair. It is perhaps even sadistic, that we are shoved into this world, forced to make relations, love people more than we love ourselves, watch them pass away and wait for that day ourselves.
I’ve always been preoccupied by the thought of death, which is so unusual given that I never knew someone who died until 19. Yet I remember being young and randomly bursting into tears, simply triggered by the idea of how permanent death was and what it would feel like to feel nothing. It’s a depressing activity that I have indulged in for the past 7 or so years. Thoughts like “How quickly will my name wash away after I am gone?”,” How swiftly will my impression lift in this lifetime?”, “How soon will the void I leave behind be filled by someone else’s presence?” keep me up at night. But I’m writing now, after years of wrestling with these debilitating thoughts to convince you (as much as myself) that death is a gift. Bear with me.
Nothing frightens and unsettles me more than leaving this world untouched, creating no before and after in relation to my existence. Thanatophobia. Thankfully I have come to accept death and, dare I be so bold as to say, appreciate death. As I am writing this, I recognise that it sounds alarmingly morbid for a 19-year-old to claim but it isn’t. After taking death to be a sinister and destructive force of evil for many years, now I view it in the same way I honour a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. As a mere transformation. Now that’s not to say that I know or believe wholeheartedly that something is going to happen in the afterlife, but it is to say that death can be just as magnificent as life.
Once I stopped treating my life as a dramatic countdown, I noticed that my breathing became lighter as the weight of unanswerable questions was relieved off of me. I had freed myself from the shackling thought that we are born to die. That is distant from the truth, we are born to experience life in all of its glory and misery. The truth is knowing that there is an end, makes life so much more beautiful and worth experiencing. The reality is that you make a mark in this lifetime much bigger than you think you are capable of. Our entire lives are made up of other people and their impact on us. I still think of the person who recommended me that song every time I hear the first few notes, my comfiest jumper is my ex boyfriends, my favourite shows are recommendations from friends, certain herbs reminds me of my grandmother and her soft touch, my ring reminds me of my first love, my books remind me of my teachers and the comfort they gave me, my room decor is overflowing with the presence of my loved ones. My entire life is orchestrated of a series of fleeting moments in time. Some people touch us so deeply, and others not so much, but our lives are made up of different people and we change because of that. The same way so many people have entered our lives, offered pure love and transformed us into better versions of ourselves, we have done the same to others. Do not underestimate your kindness.
My fear of death alleviated as soon as I found my purpose in life, which is slightly bold and perhaps arrogant to claim as someone who isn’t even 20 yet, but it is to find true peace. Not to carve my name into the universe and hope someone knows me a hundred years down the line. Not to wish for eternal glory like a Greek warrior but instead to transform the world I live in now. To make my own universe a gentler place, to bring peace and joy to those who I have access to. To treat others with warmth and compassion but also to live unapologetically for myself. This may sound excessively optimistic, and it definitely is- but I have spent far too much of my life being pessimistic, might as well go the opposite way. Defeating fear isn’t a mission with a due date, it is a cycle. To fear something is to not fully understand it, and thus it is human nature to fear something so foreign to us as dying. I was reading a medical book recently and the doctor said he’s often asked, “What is it like to die?” from his patient’s loved ones. He answered, supporting himself with his years of experience in wards, that death itself is the sensation of ultimate relaxation and peace. I hope you discover as much comfort in that as I did.
I used to find dread and anxiety in the thought that one day I will be forgotten, yet now I find it to sometimes be my only source of comfort. To live and then have my actions disremembered may not be as intimidating nor as cruel as I used to think it was.
I guess my purpose here is to remind you that you do take up space, you do make ripples in this world (far larger than you think you are capable of), and that your presence is powerful. To encourage you to live your life to the fullest, even if it means disappointing some people along the way. That you should do what makes you feel alive and present, not what your parents want you to do. That you should pursue your artistic career, because we need as many artists as we need scientists and lawyers. That sometimes the risk is worth it. To die is merely a physical change, from one form to another, and that it is nothing to fear. The ending of our lives makes our existence so beautiful.
- sham
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