Admittedly, this year has not been easy for anyone. We started the year with fears of WWIII between the States and Iran, then a global pandemic took over, and I know, speaking for myself and some of my friends, that this was a year brutal for our mental health. Being forced to spend time with ourselves, was a radical change. On the surface, 2020 was difficult and exhausting, but it was also the year I’ve grown the most.
“What if 2020 is the year we’ve been waiting for?
A year so uncomfortable, so painful, so scary, so raw- that it finally forces us to grow.”
I remember reading this quote on my timeline after George Floyd’s death, and it stuck with me. This year has pushed my boundaries, my views on self-love, and my expectations for myself and others. It has been the most daunting year of my life, as earlier on in the year my entire family caught COVID and it’s been testing seeing the long-term effects it has had on us. Yet, I am beyond grateful that everyone is alive and healthy, which is my first thing to thank 2020 for.
If you know me very well, you know that I’ve been writing in journals since I was around 8/9 years old, it’s something I’ve kept up regardless of my mental state and I’ve kept most of my journals. I highly suggest this to everyone. Sit down tonight and make a list of every reason you’ve made yourself proud this year. I promise you’ll pick up more reasons along the way. Mine are as small as finishing a book I had on my book list and getting myself flowers each week, and slightly bigger ones such as getting a job and balancing it with university. As the years have gone on, and I do my reflections I begin to realise that they become slightly less academic each year. Don’t get me wrong, getting another first 1:1 for next year will be on my list but I think I’ve come to realise we offer more than that. Our academic achievements are only a small part of our character compared to the love and warmth we give our friends, our humour, our sense of selflessness, our passions, in my eyes these traits are far more important.
Which brings me onto my second point. This year has been a year of personal development. I’ve grown out of toxic relationships and invested into healthier ones. I have worked on flaws I have and am trying my best to improve on them e.g. I am trying my best to be open with others. My first-year experience at University was mentally destroying. I had just lost my mentor 2 weeks before freshers began, and I quickly and hardly fell into depression and nights of empty nothings. I would like to thank Ranye, my roommate for first year, who quickly became a sister to me. She would run into my room when I would start breaking down with a box of tissues, funny memes on twitter and more than enough hugs to make me feel better and stronger for the next day to come. We took it day by day. As the months went on, I became less sad and dare I be bold enough to say happy. Second thing to thank 2020 for.
When lockdown came, I quickly got a job in the village near me, and somehow despite being late for every shift in the last 9 months I still have it. Sorry Ro. My financial independence was a big step for me emerging into adulthood, and a big eye opener for how hard my parents have worked for everything in their lives in order to provide for me and my sister. Third thing to thank 2020 for.
Having been in an unhealthy relationship during the year, I never realised the toll it had on my mental health until I emerged from it (2 days before exam season, cheers for that pal!). Suddenly, my light wasn’t as dim anymore and I realised it was far more painful holding on to it, than letting go. 2020 was the year where I settled, and consequently got taken for granted, which isn’t a regret. I learned so much about myself and saw a strength in myself that I didn’t even know existed. Some people look different when you learn to release emotional attachments and detach. I realised how ordinary they were, and how it was my love that made them unique.
With all the free time in the lockdowns, I began indulging into my creative and child side. I started painting again, writing , knocking movies off my movie list and reading for hours on end the way I used to when I was a young girl. Another thing I thank this year for.
Earlier on this year, I posted a bit of writing I did over the summer about how I no longer fear death, and I ‘ve come to accept it. I am going to include a small extract of a piece of writing I did in February, and also include pictures of it (if you can read my handwriting). Only through reflection do we realise how far we have truly come.
“Dear God,
I was going to write this letter to Dr Peak, but then I realised this sense of lostness I am experiencing cannot be filled by a mortal man.
I have not been your best child and recently it seems as though I am making mistakes at an exponential rate. It is also quite upsetting that I have to communicate to you through a letter.
I have never been as lost as I am at this moment. I exist without a purpose. I am living my worst nightmare. The idea of death has always scared me, yet it is the thought I am consumed with the most. Perhaps that is how fear should work. I loathe the idea that I will die one day, but what I detest more is the idea that my death will be meaningless. I want to make a change. I want people to hear about me long after I am gone, like the warriors in Classics. I don’t want to live without purpose, which is already what I am doing at the moment. I hope you give me a sense of direction and I hope that I am not stupid enough to ignore it. Please do not give up on me.
I hope you are taking care of him. I hope you bless my mum with nothing but happiness and health, I am grateful that I am alive, but I want to feel alive.
- Love sham 17.02.2020 00:26am
Now I shan’t lie, reading this back and typing it out I did cry a little. Seeing myself so lost and desperate breaks my heart, I wish to go back in time and tell myself that I will soon feel better. That everything I needed to feel strong and content with, was already within me and that the crippling fear I had isn't something that even crosses my mind anymore.
To wrap this up, I’ve made many milestones this year, some good and some bad. However, I have never been prouder of myself. I hope 2021 is an abundant year for us all.
I would like to thank my friends and family for giving me unsurmountable levels of support this year. Through my depression, anxiety, grief, heartache, joy and happiness you were with me every step of the way. The comfort and encouragement you have given me is something I will forever be in debt for. Just a few people to thank; Ranye, Gabby, Tara, Ugo, (T)homas, Ciara D, Shiggy, Max. Love u forever.
- sham
And finally: my favourite poem of the year:
O lift me from the grass
I die, I faint, I fail
Let thy love in kisses rain
on my lips and eyelids pale
my cheek is cold and white alas
my heart beats loud and fast
oh press it close to thine again
where it will break at last
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