In light of everything that has happened in these last few weeks surrounding Sarah Everard, it only seems right that I dedicate today’s blog post to her and to other women who have been impacted in any way.
Firstly, I would like to take a moment to wish Sarah peace and power in her death. I pray that her last few moments on this earth were quick and painless, and that the life she lived was nothing but happiness and bliss.
This week has been hugely emotional for all women. In the last few days, I have entered many discussions with my friends, loved ones and family about Sarah’s case and what growing up as a woman is like. Where my girlfriends were concerned, we shared intimate stories of times we felt unsafe, times we were harassed and made to feel little. We spoke about all the precautions we take in seemingly harmless activities such as walking home when the sun is beginning to set. An image that has always stuck with me is a diagram showing all the precautions men take when walking home versus all the precaution’s women take when walking home (which I will insert below). I think it perfectly encapsulates the sheer amount of privilege that men hold, when we are too busy gripping the keys between our fingers.
As young girls, we are taught what to do to keep ourselves safe. We are gifted rape alarms in secondary school, so we feel safer walking home. We are told to walk in groups. We are told to unroll our skirts by male teachers who are clearly too volatile to be working in a girls-only school. As teenage girls: we are taught to yell “FIRE” instead of “R*PE” because bystanders are more likely to help us when their property might be at risk. We are told to not stay out too late, and to always take the well-lit road home even if it adds 20 minutes onto our journey. As young women: we are taught to meet men in public for first dates because “not-clicking” with them isn’t as big of a worry as being killed is. To leave distance between our bodies and parked cars when walking. To reject men politely or even better: to tell them we have a boyfriend because they’ll respect an imaginary man more than our autonomous choice to say no to them. We are kindly reminded in the girl groupchat to bring spare shoes for the journey home after clubbing so we can run if we have to. We are taught that our husbands will protect us, but in the same breath we’re informed that when a woman is murdered, 77% of the time her husband or former partner did it.
We do everything in our power to ensure our safety. Sarah was the text-book guide of what to do to get home safe. She had it spot-on, from her memorable clothing all the way down to her running trainers and speaking to her partner. Yet, it still wasn’t enough. Speaking to the women in my life, I recognised that this sense of helplessness is part of what has been making us so emotional. Any one of us could have been Sarah. Needless to say, we cannot do more to protect ourselves. Men need to enter this long overdue conversation.
If as a man, you are not actively working to help this epidemic of violence faced by women then you are working to shelter those who will commit these crimes. I saw a useful thread on twitter on what men can do to make women feel safer- which I will provide the link for below. As helpful as keeping distance and walking around us in the night is, I think you need to speak up for real change. Your friend who gets a little bit too touchy with girls in the club after a few drink; is the problem. Your locker-room talk is the problem. You not stepping in when a woman looks visibly uncomfortable is the problem. You laughing at your friends sexist jokes and fuelling their behaviour is the problem. You knowing your friend is a sexual predator and still having ties with them is the problem. I’ve seen tweets about how men shouldn’t take this movement as personal. I disagree. I think men should be taking this as a personal attack. Every woman has taken Sarah’s story personally. The time has come for men to have some empathy as well. This is your time to listen to us, to treat women with the respect we are entitled to and to do better. Do not pretend you are victims of this narrative, instead quit the performative allyship and step up. We are not surrendering our independence anymore. As far as I am concerned, it is all men. It is enough men that every woman I know has been abused, harassed or hurt by a man. It is enough men, and that is a hill I am willing to die on.
- sham
Today’s poem of the week:
Woman.
You are a thousand stories long,
with the depth of the ocean
and an entire constellation
woven into your soul.
And you must remember this
before any man
tries to convince you
that you are any less.
- Nikita Gill
Link for tweet about what men can do to make us feel safer:
https://twitter.com/spvcecadets/status/1370025485120335876?s=12
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